


Why make things so complicated?

by Blonde_writer



Category: Love Simon (2018), Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda - Becky Albertalli
Genre: Anxiety, Awkward Sexual Situations, Bisexual Male Character, Cal's pov, Cal's story, Coming Out, Crushing, Drunkenness, F/M, M/M, Pining, Sexual Content, Underage Sex, all the sexy stuff happens later
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-10
Updated: 2018-10-20
Packaged: 2019-06-25 10:39:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,713
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15639060
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Blonde_writer/pseuds/Blonde_writer
Summary: Basically, the story from Cal's point of view. He realises he's bi ... or gay or does he eventually prefer girls anyway? The real story is incorporated but not in the foreground. I tried to stick with the characters Becky Albertalli already mentions in her awesome book! Enjoy





	1. Waffle talk

**Author's Note:**

> I just had to write this piece because there just isn't enough out here about Cal. I love him so much and hope you like my interpretation of Cal, too. 
> 
> This is my first fanfiction ever! So please be nice, but I'm happy for any tips! Kudos and comments are very much welcomed <3

Cal sat in his favourite coffeeshop in Shady Creek. His tongue was stuck out of his mouth as he concentrated on his sketch. He loved to draw with pencils on real paper but lately he tried to get a hang on digital drawing. The good thing was that he could delete every little, or for the matter big, mistake immediately.

Right now, he drew the Flash, one of his favourite superheroes. With the pen in his left hand, he picked a darker shade of red for the suit. Yes, that worked better. Now back to his mask …

“A Dark Chocolate Macchiato with chocolate whipped cream?”

“Wha ..? Oh yes, that’s mine. Thanks.”

The waiter peeked over his shoulder and eyed his sketch. Cal was tempted to cover the screen with his arm but knew that this could be seen as rude. His grandma always told him not to be so shy about his talent. But really, his drawing skills weren’t that ace.

“Whoooaaa! That’s great man! Where did you learn that? I love the Flash! The latest season is so sick. I tell you!”

“Thanks”, mumbled Cal quietly. He actually didn't know the series so much but loved the comics. His bookshelf in his room was full of them.

The waiter left but before Cal could devote himself back to his drawing, a little icon popped up in the bottom right corner of his screen. Of late the tumblr gossip blog of his highschool _Creeksecret_ thought it would be great to finally arrive in 2015 and announced new posts via push notifications. Cal didn’t know whether he hated or loved this blog but he knew for sure that he spent way too much time scrolling through the page. He basically inhaled their content. Not that he loved gossiping or even the gossip itself, he just liked to know what’s up with the people he sat in class with every day.

                _Drama club news: Mrs Albrights undies are as red as her witch hair!_

Attached to it was a photo of his drama teacher bent over the desk writing notes in her script. She wore a tight white skirt and one could see the dark red outline of her slip peek through. People were so stupid!

He really liked his Drama club teacher. She was encouraging, fair and with temper nobody would expect from a young high school teacher. The kid who made this post should better shut up and don’t mess with her.

In the background of the pic he saw himself talking to his best friend Sasha. The two laughed about some joke she made.

Cal sighed and moved the cursor to close the tumblr but his hand decided otherwise and scrolled back a few weeks. The blog was full of revelations, sneeky gossip and bitter comments. But what he was looking for was a pure and sweet post from August.

_Sometimes I feel like I’m stuck on a ferris wheel. One minute I’m on top of the world, then the next I’m at rock bottom. Over and over all day long.                            Because a lot about my life is great. But nobody knows I’m gay._

Cal totally got this feeling. Although he more than definitely wasn't gay. For sure not. He used to have a girlfriend. She broke up with him after just 4 months. But that were years in high school time, right?

However, he knew that he was different. He couldn't put a finger on it but deep down, he knew that there was more inside of him than he was aware of. Sometimes this feeling of halfness ate him alive. Like there was something missing in his chest. But then again, he had an awesome life. Mostly.

“Hey deamer-boy, wake up I ordered waffles!”, Sasha grinned and scooted in the seat next to him. He was almost certain that she would swing by today sooner or later.

It was kind of their thing to almost never arrange a meeting but see each other anyway. Cal loved that.

They gave each other a quick hug and grinned.

“So, what are you up to today?”, Sasha asked.

“Ugh, you know just hanging out, drawing … the usual stuff.”

“Yeah ... the usual stuff”

“And you?”

“Just had a fight with my mum over the phone.” Sasha muttered and impatiently brushed her blonde curls behind her ear. “She doesn’t understand why I want to go abroad before going to college. I just don’t know what to study, okay? It’s not such a big deal.”

Sasha planned on flying to Great Britain after graduating from high school to get some money and live experiences as she called it. Cal was still a junior in Creekwood, so he didn’t need to think about his future yet. He admired his best friends for her bravery. When she was really leaving he would find himself a job here in Shady Creek and save some money and visit her.

 

“One waffle with maple syrup and blueberries and one with marshmallow cream and sprinkles!” the waiter from before shouted. Sometimes when it was too busy they didn’t serve the food and they had to pick up their beloved waffles from the counter.

“Hang on, I’ll get them.” Cal got up and walked to the waiter who complimented him on his drawing. His ears glowed from shy embarrassment but he wanted to talk to the guy again.

He had to wriggle through all the customers standing around so when he finally reached his waffles the handsome waiter was already gone taking new orders.

He grabbed the plates and balanced them back to his table. From a few meters away, he saw Sasha sitting in front of his laptop. He thought that she was just examining his sketch but then he realised that he had read the post from the gay guy.

“Why do you scroll through several weeks of creekscrets?” she asked while she crammed the yummy deliciousness in her mouth.

Cal didn’t know what to answer neither what to think. He had no idea why he was rereading this post ever so often.

When he didn’t answer, she put down her fork and looked at him.

“Did you post this? It wouldn’t be a problem, you know. I always wanted to have a gay best friend!” she poked him in his ribs jokingly.

“No, it wasn’t me. And … and no. I don’t think that I’m gay.”

“You think?”

If Sasha would put down her fork every second like she did right now then her waffles will get cold soon, was all that Cal was thinking.

"I mean, I do like girls."

Cal felt Sashas eyes on him but she didn't say anything for the next minutes. They just chewed their waffles but Cals thoughts were spinning around. Sometimes, he felt himself attracted to one of his same sex.

He could feel a new pair of eyes on him. When he looked up, he saw the handsome quickly looking away from him. His own heartbeat drummed faster against his chest. 


	2. Hello Mr stage manager

Cal was always the first student to enter the auditorium. He and Mrs. Albright often went through their piece before the actual rehearsal started and discussed how to organize the rehearsal and with which scene they would begin.

He pulled his big blue binder from his bag and flicked through the pages until he found the scene he was looking for. Act 1 Scene 6.

The last  _Creeksecrets_ post about Mrs. Albright came to Cals mind. He wondered if she knew about it but whether it effected her. He thought about saying something about it to her or reassure her that she was a great teacher but he didn't know what to say so he didn't.

“Last time we rehearsed this, I felt like we’re missing something, you know? Some pep! The kids should give Oliver the chills.” Mrs. Albright clicked her tongue. Her heart beat for this play. Because she was so young and unorthodox some older students and even grumpy old teachers gave her the crap. She wanted to prove herself with this play. At least, that’s what Cal was thinking. And after last years flop … Who could blame her?

Cal hated the thought of last years play. It was good that he now was the stage manager and not actually on the stage. He exhaled heavily and tried hard to shake of those memories.

“Maybe we could ask the ones acting, how they think they can improve it? I mean, they are in character and maybe, just maybe, they actually know what to do if asked.” Cal proposed. It wasn’t his best idea, but his head was still a bit dizzy from the talk yesterday. Did he really talk with his best friend about the possibility or rather non-possibility of him being gay? He couldn’t wrap his head around how he got to this point. He used to have a girlfriend for god’s sake! He liked her although it didn’t work out but which 16-year olds relationships did?

Before he could get lost in his thoughts, Mrs. Albright shut her own bright red folder – maybe red was her favourite colour – with a Bang!

Seconds later all the juniors and seniors entered, he noticed that Simon Spier and Martin Addison arrived last apparently in a deep conversation which Simon didn’t seem to enjoy. Cal didn’t know these two were friends. He kind of liked Simon, who played one of Fagins boys in the play although they didn’t talk a lot. Nevertheless, he felt some kind of vibe from Simon. Maybe the two could hang out some time. Martin, however, was just weird sometimes even a little douchebag. He never did anything particularly against Cal but the way he always promoted himself in front of Mrs. Albright totally annoyed him.

A few moments later, Cal’s face was covered by a veil of think blonde hair. Sasha hugged him tightly before breaking off and boxing him against his shoulder. That’s her thing. She always greets him this way. Cal laughed and shook his head so that his bangs were back where they were supposed to be.

“Do you have time after this to grab a coffee?”, Sasha asked wickedly. Cal could already imagine what she wanted to talk about. Yesterday they spent two hours in the Waffle House talking about his feelings. Which is not completely true because she was basically talking and assuming his feelings while he kept his head low and nodded every now and then. He figured for now this was the easiest way to handle the situation until he knew why he was so confused about the tumblr post. "I also asked Bri to join, okay?", Sash said happily. Of course, the third part of their trio would join them. 

Cal looked around the auditorium anf found his other best friend standing together with Taylor chatting. He waved to them when Bri looked up and smiled at him. 

“Let’s get started!”, Mrs Albright clapped into her hands to get everyone’s attention. “Take it away, Cal.”

As the stage manager his tasks were to organize the actors on stage, to give instructions and to make sure everyone was committed. He snatched his binder from the table and tried to decipher his pencil he just took.

“Ugh, yes. So, we were thinking that the scene needs some more pep and originality. So … Simon, why don’t you lie down. No, on your back and with your elbows propped up. Yes, that’s good. Or what do you think Mrs. Albright?”

She nodded approvingly. “Maybe, you can toss your little coin bag to demonstrate your status.”

Simon was a natural in acting. He didn’t get a role with text which, if one would ask Cal, was a shame.

Simon was cute with his glasses and the always a bit shy grin on his face. And his stone grey eyes … Cal had to blink to focus again on his task.

“Umm … and when Oliver and Dodger enter, everyone should jump up and make a grab for Oliver’s satchel”, Cal demonstrated the jump with his arms and to his surprise the others followed suit and actually jumped up. Cal felt like a conductor and smiled.

Then suddenly Simon snatched the satchel of Martin, who played Oliver and hide it underneath his shirt like he was pregnant.

The whole auditorium snored with laughter. Even Mrs. Albright was bend over and held her tummy. Simon could be so comical.

Cal eventually put down his folder and sat behind the school piano. His fingers easily found the keys, he rarely looked on his sheet of music. The rest of the rehearsal passed by quickly.

Right after it ended Mrs. Albright called him over and both wrote down the new developments of the play. “Si snatches Olivers bag” is one note that Cal scribbles on his double-spaced script right next to last weeks rehearsals “Dodger more dominant!!”. It was actually quite hard to find some clean space for all these notes, maybe he should have printed in triple-spaced. Mrs Albrights folder looked almost the same, but her handwriting was way cleaner and incredible tiny. Maybe that’s why she needed Cal as her stage manager, as a back up when she couldn’t figure out her notes.

“Bye, Mrs. Albright!”

He stuffed his binder in his bag and overheard the conversation between Simon, Abby and Martin. Apparently Simon just invited Martin to a Halloween Party of Garrett. Really, since when were those two friends? A little part of him hoped Simon would turn around and invite him as well. But he wasn’t as good friends with Simon as Martin was.

His Halloween would be his own kind of awesome anyways. Sasha and Brianna will come over and they’ll have a little sleepover, lots of Reeses and the best times, like always.

When he left the auditorium he checked his phone. Sasha had texted him that she and Bri were already at the Waffle House waiting for him.

He went to the parking lot and easily found his bike because except for his own the bike racks were empty. Within a few minutes, he had cycled to the café and ordered his favorite coffee -  a Dark Chocolate Macchiato with chocolate whipped cream. 

They didn't talk about gay-issues all afternoon but just had fun dreaming about Sashas european adventure next year and Bri and Cal visiting her there.

 


	3. Macaroni splash

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was meant to become a longer chapter but I'm on vacation and the reception basically sucks. But I wanted to update it a bit, so here you go. The next one will be longer, I promise. And halloween isn't over yet ;)

It was fantastic that Halloween was on a Friday this year. This meant no stressed-out parents and no responsibilities until three days later.

For Brianna, Sasha and him it became tradition that they spent Halloween together. Although Cal wasn’t sure if doing it only three years in a row already counted as a tradition. He actually had no clue if his two best friends used to hang out on Halloween the year before he attended their school. Now that he came to think about it he didn’t know much about their friendship prior to him rounding off their trio.

However, he could still remember vividly how the three of them met and bonded. It was his first year as a freshman and though he had a quick tongue and some friends from his class, he sometimes needed some time for himself during lunch. So one day, he was sitting in front of his tray of food with his headphones plugged in and a hand drawn sketch nearby, Brianna showed up and dropped her tray next to Cals with so much momentum that her tomato sauce splashed all over the places. At first, Cal didn’t know what to do or how to react, she was one year above him and therefore was in charge. But she was so perplex about her misbehaviour and after a few seconds stuttered so many apologies that he was accepting her apology. Although she sprinkled thousands of tiny red dots all of his newest sketch of The Flash. He could easily draw a new one and this wasn’t even his best piece. Seconds after the disaster, another girl arrived  who already shook her head at her best friend’s newest accident. Sasha wasn't even a tiny bit surprised.

“Oh Bri, can’t you just be careful for once?” She gently put down her tray and sat across both of them. Cal had tried to find himself a table for two but they were all occupied so he had settled for a four-people table.

“You need to know that she’s always like that”, Sasha started talking while she shoved her macaroni in her mouth. “If you hear someone stumble – it’s her. If someone accidently tips a glass of water over – it’s her. Or if someone displaces her keys …”

“Its most definitely her”, completed Cal her sentence and grinned. Sasha was beaming with enlightenment when he picked up her teasing effortlessly. When he saw her genuine smile, he grinned back but made sure to leer at Brianna so that she knew he wasn’t mad at her.

“Yes, yes you guys continue making fun of me, but you aren’t born with my body and mind. It’s quite hard to coordinate such a brilliant mind and this badass body!” announced Brianna in a pretendedly cocky way.

Cal and Sasha cracked up laughing and snored in their food.

Basically, from this moment on forward, the three were inseparable.

Cal was preparing his room for their annually Halloween hangout and sleepover. He rolled up this duvet and pushed it against the wall behind his bed. This way the had something comfortable to lean on when they sat on his bed. His mum, who worked two shifts in Shady Creeks hospital had found the time to prepare sliced vegetable and dip. She wasn’t home much but those little acts of thoughtfulness warmed his heart. His dad was a janitor and electrician, hence sometimes he got called during his off hours to some kind of emergencies. That’s why his grandma moved in when Cal was little to support them and to be a reliable pillar in Cal’s live. He had no idea how live could work without her. She was the one how taught him how to play the piano and helped him with his homework as good as she could. Sometimes Cal joked that it felt like he had three parents.

Often, his dad had the more modern opinions, he allowed the girls to come over as they pleased and made those bad dad-jokes everyone cringed at. He even stood up during the discussion if they were allowed to have a sleepover here. With an open door, though.

It was almost 6pm, in about one hour the girls would arrive. Until then he had to finish preparing his room and help his grandma with the dinner. His mum was working a night shift and his dad spent his free evening in a pub with friends. Until an emergency called that was. He would be home later that night. Tomorrow would be a tough day for him though ... Halloween was his least favourite event every year. The day afterwards always called for many repairs throughout the city.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feel free to leave any comments, advices or whatever you need to express :) I'm happy to read them


	4. Never have I ever

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bri, Sash and Cal spent their annual Halloween night together and things get deep.

“Oh Mrs. Dora, your pumpkin pies are delish!”, Bri said with her mouth full. She and Sasha never got rid of the “Mrs.” Although, they knew Cals grandma for years now and the old lady must have told them a thousand times to just call her Dora, but especially Bri insisted on the title. She needed to express her admiration, was her explanation when Cal asked her about it once.

“I can give you the recipe, if you want. It`s not that hard to make”, replied Dora. But before Bri even got the chance to answer, Cal and Sasha cracked up laughing.

“Please Gramms, don’t do this to us. Brianna can’t cook to save her live.”  
“She would probably set herself on fire before even mixing the first two ingredients”, said Sasha snorting.

“No, no, no I can’t imagine that. You kids are all so bright and clever. I’ll teach you cooking one day. How about during Christmas break? I know it’s a long way off but think about it.”

Sasha looked at Brianna and both squeaked in excitement. They would both set Cal’s house on fire, but no risk no fun. Cal was excited, too. He loved that his family and closest friends got along so well. Sometimes, he felt like the two girls were his cousins or something. Everyone in his family welcomed them in such a warm-hearted way that they basically were one big family, a friemaly so to say.

They finished their dinner talking about every day’s life. When they were all done eating, the three teens went upstairs to Cal’s room.

He had arranged his room a bit to make it cosier. His desk was a mess as always, but he didn’t bother with such things when Bri and Sash were there. More important was that there was enough space on his bed and that he had the snacks ready. He had put the vegetable sticks, which his mum had prepared, in a big bowl and set the little bowl with dip next to it. Because they had some accidents prior, he had learned to place a place mat on top of his bed sheet. Truth be told, of course it was neither Sasha nor Cal, who had spilled the juice all over his mattress the year before. No surprise there.

In one hand, he held the jug full of apple juice and in the other he balanced three glasses. When Cal thought about the party, to which Simon had invited Martin earlier, he felt a bit embarrassed. He was 16, Sasha 17 and Brianna already 18 years old. Society inculcated them on being drunken, silly teenagers but Cal actually had never even sipped on alcohol yet. If Simon would be wasted tonight? Cal tried to push this thought and Simon altogether out of his mind.

He placed the beverage on the mat and grinned at the girls, who examined his shelf cram-full with comics.

“You and your superheroes.”, said Sash and shook her had so that her blonde curls flew from side to side. Cal only shrugged his shoulders, he knew that she only teased him. Today, during rehearsals, he overheard her complementing Abby on her Wonderwoman costume.

Meanwhile, Brianna jumped onto his swivel chair and twirled with excitement. She lifted her arms and pretended to fly. Her boobs almost escaped her rather deep v-neck of her yellow sweater and Cal broke away from her neckline only half a second too late. What was it with him lately? He used to never stare but of late he found himself peering around quite a bit. Some body parts were just so intriguing. Even when he had this first girlfriends, he wasn’t as attracted to their body as he was currently. The thing that unsettled him the most was sometimes he didn’t just fantasise but boobs but rather boy’s appearances, too.

“Okay, so I made a plan for tonight!”, interrupted Sasha Cal’s disturbing thoughts. He shook his head to erase even the last thought from his mind. Today was about his friends and not his confusion.

Sasha climbed on the bed and seated herself cross-legged. She waved the others over briskly and explained her plan: “So firstly, we’ll play some games – Bri, did you bring enough? Okay great. Every time it rings, another one is on trick or treat duty. Seriously, I don’t think we should leave it all to Mrs. Dora. Then, we’ll discuss some deep shit stuff and eventually, we’ll introduce Cal to the TV-version of the Arrowverse. Alright? Any questions?”

Bri groaned and mumbled something about Sash being a dictator. Cal, too, thought that Sash totally wasted her planning talent in the wrong occasions. She would make a great stage manager. But that’s how Sash was – a bit neurotic but lovable.

Nevertheless, they all obeyed her plan because, let’s be honest, she said out loud what they would have done anyways. Cal was just a bit nervous about the announced deep shit talking. But maybe Sash had something on her chest that she needed to get rid of.

For the next hour or so, they played their favourite card game called “Wizard”, where one got points for correctly bidding on the number of tricks one will take in the subsequent round of the play. Needless to say, that Sasha was the one who noted their points. After 13 rounds out of 20, Cal was the clear winner with 420 points compared to Sash’s 160 and Bris 50 points. So far, everyone of them had to leave the game once to answer the door for the kids. It was unexpectedly quiet that Halloween. Perhaps, collecting sweets wasn’t a priority for present-day kids anymore. Cal found that thought depressing, he had loved to ask for trick and treats together with his Gramms since he could walk. Sadly, after passing a certain age, people frowned upon him rather them treating him. Therefore, Cal stopped 3 years ago. He wished, he had a little sister he could accompany.

“Okay, maybe we could all agree that Cal is the unrightfully winner in this game because he’s a cheater”, announced Bri while holding up Cal’s left arm in a fake victory pose. Sasha giggled next to them. It was one of the characteristics of their friendship, to always tease and mock each other.

“And because you’re the winner, and you’re most definitely you, I have a very special price for you”, declared Sasha and pulled a package of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups out of her backpack.

Cal hugged her and snatched the package out of her hand before she could hand it over to him. He was addicted to Reese’s. The sweet, salty and chocolaty taste was just all Cal ever wanted. Suddenly a picture of Simon Spier crossed his mind. His dusty grey eyes pierced his soul with their sweet intenseness. Cal sighed.

He ripped the orange plastic packaging open and peeled one Reese’s cup out of the paper wrapping and let the deliciousness enter his mouth. Gosh, he loved that taste. He needed to ask his grandma for a Reese’s dessert this Thanksgiving.

Bri and Sash followed suit and soon the package was empty. Luckily, Cal bought some packages himself in preparation for this evening. He felt a bit bad for the vegetable sticks his mum made, though. They were basically untouched. But right now, he didn’t want to ruin the peanut-buttery taste in his mouth with something healthy. They could use a midnight snack later anyway.

Prompted by this thought, he looked at the big watch above his desk and realized that it was 10pm. He never realized how fast time went by when he was with his two best friends. Thank god, that they could chatter all night.

“I just quickly go to the bathroom, guys.” Bri got up and left the others alone.

Cal was about to reach for another Reese’s cup, when Sash grabbed his hand looked him in the eyes. Cal swallowed hard. What the hell was that about?

“You seem a little bit off, lately. Is there anything, you need to get of your chest?”, asked Sash concerned. She licked her lips and looked him in the eyes.

Cal didn’t understand what she was talking about. He was just normal, as always. He went to school, attended every rehearsal and he didn’t know, how else to put it, was just normal. He won Wizard just like always for god’s sake.

“I just mean, you’re so easily distracted and seem always concerned about something.”

Cal didn’t feel like responding. Thus, he leaned over and grabbed the jug of apple juice and purred him a glass. He could feel Sashas eyes on him but ignored her intentionally. He took a sip of her juice, when Sasha suddenly started with “Simon Spier, he …”

Cal choked on his juice and coughed hard. The juice went up inside his nose and the pain made his eyes water. What was she about to say? Was she able to read his mind? Did she know that his distraction sometimes was related to Simons silver grey eyes or his hilarious humour? Was it that obvious?

Bri rushed into his room and clapped his back. This didn’t make Cal feel better because the juice was still inside his lunges and nose. He barked even more and almost couldn’t breathe.

He heard footsteps on the stairs and within seconds his grandma stood beside him holding a tissue in front of his mouth. She brushed his hair and asked the girls what had happened. Cal couldn’t hear their response he was still too occupied with coughing his lungs out.

“There, there, my boy”, whispered his Gramms in his ear and stroked his back when he finally was able to breath again. Wow, that was super embarrassing. How could hearing one specific name turn him in such a mess? There was no reason for that.

Slowly, he got back up from his curled position but took the paper tissue from his grandmas’ hand and wiped his mouth. Some tears escaped his eyes and he rubbed them away with the back of his left hand. He felt exhausted.

Bri and Sasha exchanged some looks before Sasha lowered her eyes guiltily.

Dora clicked her tongue and patted his back one last time before she said: “Kids, can you please try not to accidently kill yourself? It’s only apple juice for god’s sake. I don’t know how I could explain to your parents that a beverage that didn’t contain alcohol finished you all off.” She chuckled and got back up from Cal’s bed and left the room. She mumbled something when she closed the door behind her, but it was too soft-spoken to be understood.

“What was that about?”, asked Brianna confused. She plopped down in front of Sasha and Cal and eyed them suspiciously.

“Nah, nothing, Cal just was unable to drink”, joked Sash and nipped Cal’s arm. Independent from one another, Cal and Bri both knitted their eyebrows.

“I just wanted to mention that Simon Spier, the other Fagin’s boy, suggested to incorporate some muted dialogs between the three Fagin boys. You know, in our play. I thought, I’d tell you Cal, our stage manager, before Bri, Simon and I are just going for it in the next rehearsal. But before I could even start telling you, you completely choked on your juice. Mind telling why?”

Oh, damn it. Of course, Sasha didn’t know anything about his confusion or at least only knew about his weird thoughts about boys in general but not about Simon being the main actor in his mind. He totally screwed up in keeping that a secret now.

“I just didn’t expect you talking about him right now”, muttered Cal.

There was an awkward silence lingering in the room that was totally uncommon between these three.

“Is there anything that you want to tell us in regard of Simon Spier … and you?”, asked Bri. She licked her lips and a tiny bit of spit hang from her lower lip. Cal didn’t know how to reply. No, there was nothing worth knowing.

“Have you ever thought about him … you know … differently?”, asked Sasha shily. “Is he the reason, why you read and re-read this one post on _creeksecrets_?”

“Which post?”, demanded Bri again. Cal felt like a snake pressed into the corner of a room. Sasha gave Brianna a quick recap from Cal’s and her conversation in WaHo. In Cal’s head, his thoughts came thick and fast. The post was written by a boy in their school, who outed himself as being gay. But not only about that, it was about being lonely, secluded and scared, too. He could relate to some of this. Sometimes, he felt like the luckiest guy in the world with his awesome friends, supportive family and just his abilities and intelligence. But in other moments, his heart sank, and he just wanted to be alone in this world because that´s how he felt anyway. These moments always occurred when he was thinking about people that he felt attracted to, Cal realized.

Cal leaned back and situated himself on his elbows. He closed his eyes and thought about that. In the background, he heard Sash and Bri whispering to one another. One of them must be eating a sliced carrot because Cal could hear the munching. He tried to suppress their presence.

Yes, those anxiety thoughts seemed to always appear when he felt attracted to somebody. The thing was, lately he wasn’t only drawn to girls but to boys, too. First, he had shrugged it of as being a confused teenager or not being really attracted by men but just finding them interesting or plainly good looking without an admiration  behind it. Now that Cal came to think about it, he realized that maybe his newly discovered potential interest in men wasn’t so new after all. If he was honest to himself, then he became conscious of being interest in any gender when he was younger. Only when he grew up, he ignored any sign of attractive men vehement and solely focused on girls instead.

His head spun. Was it possible?

He didn’t know how long he must have been silent and that somehow his eyes were moisture. Someone gently touched his knee and he opened his blue eyes. Both girls looked at him concerned.

Sasha got up from her seated position and hugged him. This made Cal feel better. Bri softly stroke his right foot. He was such a mess.

“Cal, you don’t need to make up your mind or whatever all by yourself, you know?”, broke Bri the silence. Sasha nodded affirmative.

“Have you ever been confused about your …”, Cal stumbled about his own words. “your … gosh I have no clue how to say it … Your sexual orientation?”

Bri and Sasha glimpsed at each other. They must have been talking about this topic. Or, more precisely, they must have been talking about Cal and his sexual orientation before. Great. Cal wasn’t pleased with that.

“Ugh, no. So far, I’ve been only interested in boys”, said Sasha. “I think I’ve a pretty exclusive type there. I mean, until now, I only have had boyfriends older than me. They were all with a darker skin tone, too.”

Bris forehead was wrinkled. Clearly, she tried to figure something out: “Actually, I know what you mean, Cal. I … I … in middle school … Okay no, I can’t just say it out loud. How about we turn this conversation into a game?”

For some reason, it didn’t surprise Cal one bit that Bri wanted to tun this into a game. She was always the one who wanted to play something. Maybe, that’s how she coped with reality.

“What came?”, demanded Cal anyways.

“Okay, so it’s normally a drinking game but as we don’t have anything, and it might not be appropriate to ruin this talk with stupid alcohol, we play it with …” Bri examined Cal’s room until hr eyes eventually found the almost full bowl of vegetable sticks. “With the carrots and cucumber sticks. So, it goes like this: One of us makes a claim starting with ‘Never have I ever …’. Like never have I ever kissed a boy or never have I ever driven a car. Something like that. And every time someone claims something that you’ve already done, then you have to eat a vegetable stick. You understand?”

“So like, if you say: Never have I ever lied to my parent but I’ve done it, then I’ve to eat a carrot?”, reassured Sasha.

“Exactly, or a cucumber. It can be anything that you’ve never done or even that you’ve done, then you’ve to eat a carrot yourself, too. This way, all of us have to answer the same questions and it’s not like an interrogation.”

“Then, let’s start, Bri”, said Cal.

“Okay, uhm … Never have I ever drank alcohol.”

Both Bri and Sasha took a stick. Cal looked between his intertwined fingers and felt a bit childish. The girls giggled and didn’t notice his discomfort.

“Let’s do this clockwise. Cal, it’s your turn then”, announced Bri.

“Never have I ever flirted with someone.”

“Booooring!”, shouted Sasha and took several sticks at once. Bri cackled and took two sticks herself. Cal, too, laughed and took a stick. “Sorry, I just have to get comfortable with this game step by step.”

“You just need to loosen up a bit. You can claim anything, don’t forget that, whether you’ve done it or not”, explained Brianna again.

“Uhm, never have I ever kissed a girl”, said Sash and simultaneously all three of them reached for the bowl. “You too, Brianna?”, shouted Sash and eyed her best friend curiously. Cal, so far, never thought about the possibility that the girls would have ever shown interest in their own sex. He wanted to hear both their stories.

“Like I was about to say earlier … when I was 12 or 13, I don’t exactly remember, a friend of mine celebrated her birthday. There were boys and girls at her party and later that evening we played ‘Truth or Dare’. At some point, the dare was to kiss someone in this room. But because the boy didn’t want to do it, we came up with the idea that everyone should kiss someone. We were more girls than boys, so I ended up asking my then best friend to kiss me and yeah that how this happened.”

“Uuhhh sneaky Bri. I once kissed a friend of mine in a club because there was a very obtrusive guy dancing and flirting with her and I figured, if he thought, she was lesbian, he would let go of her. So, I went over to her and kissed her in front of everyone”, told Sasha her story.

“Okay, we all know that Cal recently had a girlfriend, so we don’t need to hear your story about you kissing a girl. Was it your first girlfriend, though?”, asked Bri.

“No, I used to have some in middle school, but you know how middle school relationships are. I think in one relationship, we didn’t even talk to each other. Only texted. It’s your turn, Bri.”

“Never have I ever went on an actual date.” To their surprise, none of them reached for the vegetable in their centre. That was hilarious. All of them had girl- or boyfriends before but none of them did these movie-cliché-date-thingy.

Now, it was Cal’s turn again. He didn’t really know what to say because on the one hand, he wanted to know more about the girls, their thoughts and experiences but on the other hand, he was afraid to give details himself.

“Never have I ever … cheated on my boy- or girlfriend.”

Again, none of them had done this. For whatever reason, Cal was relieved by that.

They played some rounds and luckily, they never got interrupted by the doorbell. Probably, because it was almost midnight already, realized Cal. He wondered when his dad would come home. His mums shift went until 6am.

Their vegetable sticks were long gone by now, they ate gummi bears when they’ve done something.

It was Bris turn again: “Never have I ever had phantasies about … humans from my own sex … and me.” She breached out and leered at Cal. She tried to cover that by looking at Sash, too, but Cal knew that this question was for him.

How should he answer? Yes, he had phantasies about boys and girls. But with him? Did he ever picture himself kissing a boy? Or even doing more than just kissing? His heartrate went up. His palms were sweaty. Suddenly, he pictured Simon Spier here with him. He imagined Simon coming closer and his lips meeting his own. Cal was most certainly exited by this thought. Oh shit. Why did he have to think that way? And why had these thoughts such an impact on him. Did he ever have thoughts like this before? Memories of some suppressed late-night thoughts flashed back in Cal’s mind. Yes, he had.

Without looking at either of the girls, he grabbed a gummi-bear. He didn’t eat it because this whole topic made his tummy flip.

“Really?”, asked Bri. “With whom?”

“That doesn’t matter”, interrupted Sasha and Cal was glad for that. They didn’t need to know everything. Yet.

“Uhm … yes … Sometimes, I have thoughts or rather phantasies like that. But I’m not gay!”  
The girls eyed him suspiciously. But also encouraging, so he continued: “I’ve the same thoughts or even more intimate thoughts about girls, too.”

Wow, saying all of this out loud was so embarrassing. Cal could feel himself blush.

Sasha grabbed his hand and milliseconds later, Bri followed suit and held the other one. Then the girls grabbed each other’s hand, too, and so all three of them held hands and it felt like the best thing ever. Cal’s eyes were about to tear up. This would have been embarrassing, too, if he didn’t know that the others felt similar. This was a special moment in their friendship.

“Do you want to talk about it, Cal?”, asked Sasha with caution. Cal wasn’t sure but without realizing he was doing it, he nodded.

“I’ve those thoughts about girls and boys”, he repeated. “If I’m being honest than I’ve had them, I mean the ones with boys, for quite a while now. I just never allowed them to linger or to reach my total awareness.”

“Do you feel attracted to their body parts, I mean female and male, or their soul?”, inquired Bri.

“What do you mean by that?”, Cal was confused by this question.

“I mean … okay so I’ve to admit that I once struggled about my sexuality, too. Back then, I researched a lot and found out that there isn’t just hetero- and homosexuality. There’s bi-, pan- and demisexuality. Probably even many more.”

Sasha and Cal looked at her puzzled. What was pansexuality? Or demisexuality? Cal didn’t realize that there were more than the common three sexualities: hetero, homo and bi.

“Where is your laptop, Cal?”

He motioned to his desk and Bri got up and brought the device over to the bed.

Cal turned it on and inserted his password, then he gave the laptop back to Bri.

Curiously, both Sash and Cal leaned over and examined what Bri was doing. She went online and typed something in the search box.

Bri opened two tabs, one of them was [www.pairedlife.com](http://www.pairedlife.com) and the other [www.bisexual.org](http://www.bisexual.org). She moved the layout around so that both websites were visible next to each other.

Pairedlife, on the left side, looked more like a blog with questions like “How to know if you are actually bisexual: A guide for coming out to yourself”. Bri clicked on this article. Cal’s palms sweated.

Bisexual.org was more clean and more informative and formal. There was one article that sparked Cal’s interest “What is the difference between bisexual and terms like pansexual, polysexual, omnisexual, ambisexual, and fluid?”, Cal clicked on this article and Bri began to read out loud: “ _Identity labels like pansexual, polysexual, omnisexual, and ambisexual also describe a person with homosexual and heterosexual attractions, and therefore people who have chosen those labels are also bisexual.   By replacing the prefix bi –(two, both) with pan- (all), poly- (many), omni- (all), ambi- (both, and implying ambiguity in this case), people who adopt these self-identities seek to clearly express the fact that gender does not factor into their own sexuality, or that they are specifically attracted to trans, genderqueer, and other people who may or may not fit into the mainstream gender categories of male and female.  This does not mean, however, that people who identify as bisexual are fixated on traditional notions of gender_.”

“So, there truely isn’t just homo, hetero and bi …”, said Sasha.

“Yes, but I don’t think Cal needs to worry about all this stuff right now.”

Sasha snatched the laptop from Bris lap and read the article about how to figure out, if one himself was bi. Cal peered over her shoulder started reading as well. Apparently, a bi rights activist wrote this one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd love to read your thoughts about my story this far. So don't hold back with your comments! :)


	5. Purple spirit

Cals eyes were fixated at the screen in front of him and he could feel some headaches appear behind his temples. This was something usual now, ever since Sash, Bri and he had their ongoing discussion. It was also kind of usual to see Cal buried behind a computer googling stuff. That’s what he has been up to for the last couple days and nights.

There was just so much information available online and he felt the need to squeeze every little bit of it out of the internet and drum all this knowledge into his head. He just needed to _know_. Everything.

Sadly, the school cut all reception, so he couldn’t just use his phone. But Mrs. Miller, his biology teacher, was sick and this time of a year almost every teacher called in sick and ,therefore, there was no supply teacher available for his class. He didn’t mind, though. He sat in the school library and buried his head behind a screen.

He had opened the Wikipedia article about the rainbow flag. He honestly had no clue, how he ended up there but well, now he’s learning something about the rainbow flag.

Genuinely, he had never really thought about the reason why the symbol of the LGBT+ community was the rainbow flag. He just … you know ... thought it was a pretty, all including colourful thing.

But apparently, all the eight colours had their own special meaning. Like the hot pink on the top stood for sex, red for life and violet for spirit. Also, the first rainbow flag was hand sewn by an openly gay activist called Gilbert Baker, who was born in 1951. Gosh, Cal was glad that he was born roughly 45 years later and therefore his ongoing confusion was of no big deal. At least, it was now mostly socially acceptable to come out of the closet. For himself, however, it was a monstrous and gigantic kind of deal.

He pressed his hands against his temples and closed his eyes. Was he really gay? But he did like girls. So, what was he then? He had read about bisexuals and also pan-sexuals, whoever those were, and also trans people. The only thing that he could 100% cross from the list of possible sexual orientation for himself was transsexuality. It was good to be certain about something. He could probably cross heterosexuality from the list as well. He led out a huge sigh and opened his eyes.

His almost bare thighs greeted him and for a good half a second, he was shocked about his apparent nakedness until he recalled that he was wearing a dress. It was spirit week and today was Gender Bender Day. Sash and Bri forced him into participating but he felt totally weird about running around in a dress. Of all things, he, who was totally confused about his sexuality and love interests, had to wear a dress. A very short, almost butt-showing kind of brown dress with white and purple stripes on it. Not to forget the huge neck-line. Bri lent this dress to him, including an old bra of hers which they had stuffed out with several socks. Cal felt like a running cliché in this outfit.

He, in return, had lent Sasha one of his Jeans and a button-down shirt. Cal almost didn’t recognize her when he and Bri had picked her up in Bris car this morning. She had pinned up her hair so that it looked pretty near an actual boy's cut.

Bri was only wearing some huge joggers and a hoodie from her older brother.

Cal returned his attention back to the screen, but he got distracted when the door of the library opened and Simon entered. Simon Spier. Funny, little Simon Spier. He looked a bit lost when he walked through the lined up desks with computers on them. It seemed like he couldn’t decide if really wanted to use a computer or if he rather wanted to leave the library. Cal couldn’t take his eyes of him. He had two hair clips in his messy blonde brownish hair. Typical Simon. Of course, he participated in Gender Bender Day without losing himself completely in a costume. Like Cal thought he himself was doing. While seated he tried to pull down his dress a little bit more but failed.

He thought about saying something clever and cocky to Simon but didn’t come up with something worth saying. Instead, he looked back at his own screen and continued reading about the rainbow flag. A couple of minutes later, he had opened up his amazon account and inserted some rainbow coloured socks in his online shopping cart. He always wore crazy and colourful socks, so it wasn’t that unusual for him. But he himself knew that slowly but steadily the realization kicked in that he somehow belonged to the LGBT spectrum. He just wasn’t sure whether he was gay or bi or something else. Yet.

He hit “buy” and for a second wasn’t sure if it was allowed to purchase things online from a school’s computer. Well, he would definitely lock himself out before leaving this desk.

Suddenly, his e-mail account website flashed because a new e-mail had arrived. It was from Mrs. Albright. Although, she knew that the reception wasn’t working in the school, she was always sending him e-mails concerning the rehearsals. This time, she wanted him to go to the drama clubs’ costume storage area to find out if they already had some useful costumes for their play. He replied that he would of course do this soon. He knew that if they needed many new costumes they should order them soon, that they could be tailored and all in time before the big premiere.

Minutes later, he got up and was about to leave the library and maybe head for the cafeteria, when he stopped and turned to look at Simon who was still eargerly looking at his computer screen.

Cal smiled at him and approached him saying: “Hi Simon, didn’t expect seeing you here. Yo good?” He continued grinning his typical Cal-smile at him and noticed how Simons cheeks flushed. Which was god damn cute.

“Ugh hi! I was just … you know … checking some emails.” Simon bit his lips after his was done talking just like he wished he didn’t just have said that. Cal was a bit confused about this. Why should it be weird to check e-mails? Wasn’t it weirder to google the origins of the rainbow flag and then order a pair of rainbow coloured socks? Surprisingly, Cal was glad that Simon didn’t know about his newest purchase. But only for half a second because than again, he wished that Simon _knew_ all about his recent confusion and not-so-much-confusion-I-now-know-that-I’ve-something-for-boys-too-I-mean-look-at-you-cute-little-Simon. God damn it! He brushed his bangs out of his face and said: “Cool. I mean, it’s so annoying that they cut the reception here. We’re living in the 21. Century. They shouldn’t prevent us from being online. If the lessons are interesting enough, we would listen even when our phones notify us for new emails or new follower on Instagram. Am I right?”

Simon flushed even more and nodded without looking into Cal’s eyes. Cal could feel his heart sink a bit, Simon was just such a cutie. How didn’t he notice this earlier? Oh maybe, he did indeed notice this earlier but brushed it of as nothing and went on pining behind some girls.

“Yeah, well. I’ll get some lunch now. You wanna join? I normally eat with Sasha and Bri but I don’t think they would mind your company.” More importantly, he wanted to enjoy Simons company. Unfortunately, Simon shyly denied his wish because he already made plans sitting with his usual peers. Like always. But he said this with about a dozen apologies. Which again was so adorable and so Simon.

“Well, until later at rehearsal!”  Cal grabbed his bag and flashed a last smile at Simon and left the library.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked this chapter. Feel free to leave any kind of comments. I love to read them and hear your opinion on this chapter :)


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